I Lost Myself

I was very excited today. I met my childhood friend and we've been also classmates since primary. Frankly speaking, we shared an awkward friendship. Very awkward one. We were merely enemies back then. You know those silly and long winded fights kids have over studies and popularity? Something similar to that. Yet, though we held grudges for each other back then, but we were still in talking terms and friends. 

Pride? Ego? Macho? Uhuh. Maybe. We had attitude! Oh well. What more can you expect from a bunch of convent girls? 

As we moved on into secondary school, things changed. I guess, we pretty much grew up. Competition was so yesterday at that point of time. In fact, we became closer. Hatred faded and we shared good understanding. Our maturity developed and so did our friendship grew. We weren't like best friends forever, but just simple good friends. 

We would chat on random topics, pull each others hair tie, crack some gagging jokes and you know, those fun times you have with your friends back in school! Plus, our families were good friends too. Now? We practically look at those memories and laugh at our stupidity and immaturity and make some kick ass jokes out of our childhood! Good times they were.

Since there were a couple of events up this weekend, I just had to go to my beautician and get those edgy eyebrows and skin roughage prim and proper. Yeah, something common to most girls, well, lately guys too. That took some while and lots of walking around. I looked all pallid and horrid to be precise when I arrived at the mall I was suppose to meet her, and another mutual friend of ours.

Behaving like a typical girl, I went to the ladies, and took out my compact powder, gloss and comb. As the comb blades ran through my shabby looking hair, I said to myself,

''Look at those eye bags, that pimple on the forehead, the sweaty cheeks, and sunburnt face texture? I'm pretty sure they're going to reserve themselves a couple of opinions when they see me''. I just tapped on the powder, applied my gloss and off I went.

We had a huge smile as we glanced through each other from up to down. We sure did change a lot, and also the friend of ours. We had that girl hug and cheek kiss, like always. 

As we walked, we exchanged questions back to back. ''How are you?'', ''How's mom and dad?'', ''Have you been meeting the rest from school?'', ''Hows your brother?'', ''Are you still with your man?'', ''You still haven't changed, have you?''. 

We spoke over lunch, a yummy one indeed. Though the price was pocket burning, but it was tasty enough that it compensated that heart wrenching price tag. 

We talked about how our friends in school, family lives and our personal life. Some were sarcastic enough, some were offensive, some were merely jokes, some were out of curiosity. But anyhow, we took it easy, we've been always those girls who talked about almost everything, and not get any seriousness out of the chat frame. 

We came up to a conclusion that these days people don't value relationships any more. Like how, people exchange partners among their circle of friends. 

Boy A spits Girl A, and Boy B picks up Girl A.

Boy C spits Girl C, and Boy D picks up Girl C. 

Disgusting much. Desperate.

Significance of people back stabbing friends. They talk bad about you to another person, and in front of you they criticize that same person. 

Not denying the fact that we gossiped a lot. We were catching up with all the previous stories we've missed out along our lives. As we were walking around the mall, the both of them were looking at all those fancy earrings, colourful blouses, flat designer shoes, some really pretty bangles and ethnic chains.

They looked at me surprisingly and said, ''Babe, what's up with you? Looks like you're not interested in these stuffs at all, you seem not to show any excitement''.

''I don't know. Just lost it''. The walk from one-to-one of these accessory shops went on, and I had this inscrutable look. 

''Let's go have some coffee, babe.'' said one of them.

As I was sipping on my fine hot coffee at one moment, my friend said sarcastically to my the other friend, ''So, you just have to stalk on everyone in Facebook uh now?''.

Yes, and like always, I splashed out the coffee that was in my mouth. Moment of embarrassment, yes. Best thing about it? We went on laughing all the while like a bunch of whackos. Sudden sheer of happiness crept in. 

Contemplation in me went on as I was at home. 

I wondered to myself, ''Went out with these girls today and I realise how much I've missed good companies in my life. Especially in this two years. I've been so indulged in the rush of life and possession of taking care of myself and others, that I really missed out the good things in my life. Laughter, outgoingness, and good times. I confined myself in my room all the time as a shield to the outside world. I feared to step out, to talk to people and answer them. I feared that something would go wrong again. Where have all my addiction and love for these colourful bangles, pretty earrings and chains go? I lost them all. I lost the joy that I had in life''.

I've realised how much I've lost in life. The heart wrenching part is that I've lost the happiness I had. I realise that all my laughter and smile for this past two years is all fake.

For a minute, I lost myself ~ Nia 

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